Mario is Missing
April 2008 Issue
Features
- From the Editors
- Craft Check: Friendship Bracelets for Gamers
- Gaming in the Media: Worried About Miss Bimbo? Don't Be.
Interviews
- Interview: Tracy Whitelaw of Lesbian Gamers
Articles
- Romancing the LARP
Author: Stephanie Pegg
- Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition: A Paradigm Shift or a Step Back?
Author: Ben Larsen
Stephanie discusses how romance plots played out in the Sanctuary LARP.
Ben analyzes the upcoming 4th Edition of Dungeons & Dragons and discusses how the changes made to the D&D formula will impact gamers.
Gamer Stories
Reviews
- Diner Dash: Hometown Heroes
- Dynasty Warrior 6
- Retro Review: Mario is Missing
Odds 'n Ends
Mario Is Missing, The Software Toolworks, Super Nintendo Entertainment System, 1993
There are several words in my native tongue that I despise. “Surreptitiously,” “Toasty,” “Loo,” “Gainsaid.” The list goes on and on, much like my paragraphs, and I cringe every time I hear them.
There is one, though, that stands out over the others, and that is “Edutainment.” Seriously, just read it. Say it out loud. It sounds just as awkward as it is spelled. What kind of foul-minded monster would create such a word? It’s fitting when you learn what it applies to: education + entertainment. They’re the bottom of the barrel video games, attempting to force kids to have fun and learn at the same time, which we all know is impossible.
I know some of you were forced to play these games when you were little; the list is endless. And I know for a fact that you hated every single one of them. I’m not talking about Oregon Trail or Number Munchers; those games ruled and thus don’t deserve the title of “edutainment.” I didn’t learn a whole lot from them anyway, except that six buffalo shot equals one hundred pounds of meat and that oxen are machines who can run on bad water for months at a time. Also, everyone who lived in 1848 had wonderful senses of direction, except when rattlesnakes were involved.
It is an edutainment game that I decided to dust off today and fire up on my old Super Nintendo. In all of his glory, Mario’s younger brother (twin if you remember Yoshi’s Island) Luigi makes his debut starring role in a very, very stupid game.
The plot is pretty simple: Mario has been kidnapped by Bowser, in the giant dragon turtle’s smartest move ever, and he’s been taken to Antarctica. After doing this, Bowser opens portals to 25 of the world’s most famous cities and sends his Koopa Troopas in to wreak havok. It is your job as Luigi, with Yoshi’s help, to close these portals and rescue your brother. Snore.
So why is this game so stupid? For starters, it doesn’t tell you anything about the plot. I got the above information from MobyGames, my savior and life. It throws you into the castle with clunky controls and zero explanation. I don’t think the order matters, so you get to choose a door to go into, and bam - there you are, in the middle of the city, with nothing. Sometimes you can go up and down streets, but sometimes you can’t. There’s no map, from what I’ve seen, and Pressing start brings you to a menu where you are allowed to see the artifacts you’ve collected - clues to the city you’re in - and where you have access to a machine called the “Globulator.” Globs of what? With no instructions, I’m pretty sure only that really smart kid in class could’ve figured this out. I’m no dim bulb myself, but I got lost after five minutes of wandering and found zero artifacts. I don’t even want to touch the Globulator.
At this point, I don’t even care what the 25 cities are, besides the first one which is obviously Rome - a passerby said “This was home to Caesar, who was the original Italian Stallion.” Seriously? I can imagine writing “Italian Stallion” down on my list of clues at age 7, then growing up thinking that’s what Italy was all about. See? Edutainment doesn’t work! If you need me I’ll be ridding the Great Plains of their needless buffalo and losing my family members in a foot of water.
